Tag Archives: adoption

Mixed Emotions

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Today was the birthday of Joe’s Uncle, who died two or three years ago.   He and his wife had no children, so they treated Joes family almost like their own children.   I to mourn his death and remember fond memories of him.

Today also,marked the due date of the baby I carried the longest (14 weeks).  It was my second miscarriage and I had just stopped holding my breath hoping that meant this was a viable pregnancy.   But just two weeks, into my second trimester, I would find out otherwise.   My heart was torn up and I felt so broken.

I remember our late night visit to Women’s  Hospital in Greensboro because of some severe cramping and some traces of blood. We got to the hospital and the mid wife on call for our Drs office was awaiting my arrival.

They took us back and the first sign of concern was not being able to hear a heartbeat.   Several people tried and couldn’t find it.   So then came blood work and an ultrasound.   Which concluded the baby had indeed died.   Surgery was scheduled for Tuesday – so I would have to wait for over 24 hours before they would perform the surgery.   It was the longest day of my life, spent in bed.

My D&E was scheduled on my MIL’s birthday.   So this baby is meant to be remembered.   I had a total of 7 miscarriages and several years later would have 1 more.   Following the loss of the first 7 I began to suffer from infertility.   I did the specialist at Duke thing and we tried meds and finally I said stop – I can’t handle this any more.  I would wait, full of stress and anticipation, to see if I had conceived each month – when I did I sort of distanced myself from the pregnancy.  Hoping and praying that between, before , and during each of my checkouts that I would get confirmation that everything was alright (that never happened).

So my main mixed emotion is the grief  and pain that I still feel (everyone else has moved along in their life).   I suffer and am down each year at this time.   Yet on the flip side I know that if I had carried to term  any of those pregnancies – my current littleman, who is adopted, likely wouldn’t have been with us. The simple thought of what his life might be like if we hadn’t signed papers choosing to make him our son, is extremely scary.  He could be deceased, addicted to drugs, homeless or in the social services care department and bouncing between foster parents home.   With us he has a house, food, toys and unconditional love.

So today we honored Uncle Steve, I grieved alone, and yet was thankful for a child whom I believe was a gift of God.

Miscarriages are kept brushed under the rug for the most part, yet for women the grief is real and painful (and sometimes the dad also).   I think we need to, as a church at the very least, find ways to help parents process the loss of a child before birth or at birth, we need not be afraid of it.   Great healing could occur if only we gave the gift of listening and honoring their loss.

Today was indeed a day of mixed emotions and I was grateful for the most part  that I could just stay in bed and rest.

As a challenge I encourage folks who have suffered miscarriages to share their stories and those who have not to be good listeners and offer love and support – don’t let us suffer alone anymore.   Lastly, when gathered as women talking birth experiences be mindful that this can trigger emotional responses from those for whom would never experience birth pains and breast feeding options.

Let us bind together and turn a once taboo subject into a story and journey we are willing to take with someone who’s had suffered a great loss.

Themeless Friday Five

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It’s Friday which means over at Revgals it’s…Friday Five time, here’s my attempt this week:

Hi gals and pals~~

Happy Friday to you! I don’t have a theme this week, but just a variety of questions for your writing pleasure…

1) How are you? What’s taking up your mind-heart space these days?

2) It’s St. Patrick’s Day on Monday~~will you celebrate or give a nod to it?

3) My colleague is a voracious morning reader of blogs, online news, articles, etc. What, besides RevGalBlogPals, do you look at frequently, if not daily?

4) I got nothin’ here. This is a free for all. Just tell us something!

5) Use these words in a sentence or two: map, magazine, sing, baby sloth, knit, penguin, love, weep, mountain, and messenger bag.

Have fun!

1.  Having just had a hysterectomy I’ve been thinking a lot about babies and how I will no longer be able to give birth nor was I ever able to give birth to a biological child.  Certainly adoption is a birthing process of a different kind.   

2.  Is there an official way to celebrate St. Patricks Day?   I guess some drink green beer and eat special food.  I’ll likely just wear soemthing green and send my littleman to school wearing something green.  

3.  I certainly check Facebook and Ravelry (a knitting and crocheting social network) multiple times a day.  I also daily turn it the Moravian Daily Text as my devotional guidance for the day.  I’m not much of a blog reader, unless someone links to one on Facebook or on Revgals and then I often read them.

4.   Most people know I love to knit but I also love to take pictures.  I wish I had the time and money to take some classes and if ever I am not a preacher a photographer I would like to be.  Pictures are beautiful expressions and stories.  I wish I had found a good Lenten photo a day practice to participate in.

5.  Wow this is a tough one. ….. Here goes my try…….. I set out today with just a map, magazine and some basic knitting supplies tucked in my trusty messenger bag, I quickly found myself heading towards a hiking trail on one of the local mountains – I weep as I climb as my heart is heavy.   Coming to a clearing I find that love has replaced the weeping and I knit a baby sloth and a penguin as I sing with a lighter heart.

One day and Two Days Old….

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I missed yesterday’s post and not because nothing happened of significance 8 years ago but because I’ve been trying to get ready for that certain 8 year old’s 9th Christmas.  So let’s go back to 2005….

My little man was a day old and I was determined to stay away from the hospital till noon~ish so that I could get some much needed packing done (by this point my boss at Hallmark had given me a few weeks off).  I even had a college student over for the day to help me pack up some stuff.  Moving day was coming quickly and we needed to be out of the apartment.  Well, I couldn’t stay away and I said to Allison (the young lady helping me) “Hey can you drive me to Dekalb Medical so I can see him and hold him?”  I threw in “you will be the first to meet him”.  When we got there the social worker meet us at the door and for a moment my heart stopped — but she just happened to be down there waiting on the birth father to come in to sign some paper work they needed on their end.  Of course he was a no show but she assured me this was not a problem and in fact she had good news that I could visit the nursery now without going through the birth mother.  We continued to talk a little and it was my prayer that the birth mother would take us up on the offer for a safe warm place to spend Christmas and then head into rehab.  And then who comes walking down the hall but the birth mother herself, needing at least a smoke.  Then we all went back up to her room where the nurses came in and did Littleman’s hearing test (which he passed).  Allison and I stayed awhile and I held my baby tight.  We left late afternoon with the promise to him and to the birth mother that Joe and I would be back by dinner.

When Joe and I returned for dinner I knew I could go straight to the nursery and we could spend time together just the three of us for the first time.  But my heart couldn’t do that without first going to see the birth mother.  The nursing staff stopped us to tell us the baby was in the nursery and that he had just stopped crying and feel asleep.  I indicated that we were on our way to check in with the birth mother first.  Joe nor I felt really sure about what was going on because the atmosphere at the nursing station told us something was up.  When we got to the birth mother’s room, the sheets where off the bed, the hospital given diaper bag contents where on the table but the bag itself was gone but the room itself was a mess.  It became clear to me that the birth mother had just left, left without checking out or anything.  I knew earlier that day she was looking for a hit of something she couldn’t get in the hospital.  Joe thought maybe she was discharged.  But I knew if that were the case the room would have been cleaned completely and the nursing staff would have just told us that.  She simply left — somewhat abandoning her child — yet knowing he was in our care.  So from there we went into the nursery and for the first time spent time with our baby  — just our family!  What a treat that was and the nursery staff said every time he hears your voice he quiets down and he’s bonded with you just as if you had given birth to him.  I was so touched.

We left that night, feeling a bit anxious not knowing what would happen since the birth mother had sort of disappeared.  I couldn’t wait to talk to the attorney first thing the next morning.

So day two of Littleman’s life began with a frantic call to the attorney’s office.  But my frantic nature quickly turned to utter surprise.  Here it is December 23, 2005 and the doctors were clear he wasn’t going home or anywhere in 2005.  But the attorney said, “Well, Rev. Moore I was just getting ready to call you because the hospital social worker just called and needs us at the hospital by 11 am.” I asked if this has to do with the “missing birth mother” and he said “nope but it helps our case if she tries to fight the adoption.  This has to do with your baby coming home today.”  I didn’t know whether to scream cry or what to do.  I was totally unprepared for this – other than a few diapers, bottles, the formula from the hospital and of course the car seat.”  Oh not to mention we didn’t have a car quite yet because it was in the shop with a major repair (we sort of said well, we NEED it by 10:30 and they got it done).  My baby would be home for his first Christmas!

We were overjoyed and scared to death at the same time.  In the state of GA the birth parents had 10 business days to revoke their surrender but beyond that I felt so unprepared for a baby to sleep in my house that night — there wasn’t a bed for sure.  But ready or not he was coming home — all 4 pounds 8 oz’s of him.

When we arrived at the hospital I felt as if we signed our lives away as we had stacks of paperwork to fill out for the state, for the hospital and for our attorney (not sure which was worse the purchase of our home a few days before or this).  Then the doctors went into their speech how they really couldn’t explain why he was doing so well and didn’t really seem to have the withdrawals that he should from the drugs that were in his system.  I finally said, “I don’t know what you believe but I believe in an awesome God and we’ve longed to be parents and this is our Christmas miracle.”

That night I braved Walmart to buy a bassinet because I couldn’t bear to have my baby not sleeping in a real bed his first night at home.  I’m not sure there was ever a quicker trip into a walmart and back into the apartment.  And we even got the thing put together without to much trouble — but nothing was a trouble because we had a baby to love and care for.  We were mommy and daddy!

A love hate relationship for sure!

A love hate relationship for sure! 

 

Daddy's the popular one today!  It's definitely LOVE!
Daddy’s the popular one today! It’s definitely LOVE!